I love watching him grow and develop and learn.
|Little Buns learning to play the accordion|
I love his strong little personality.
I love being a mom.
But sometimes, I feel like the worst mother.
I know everyone who is a mother has at some point felt this way. Had this recognition that they are not perfect and they could be doing better.
Admitting that there is room to improve is actually a good thing. That is part of our purpose here. To learn and grow and develop. To recognize our faults and tr to fix them. It won't be easy but it is totally worth it.
And guess what! By the time you die you still won't be perfect. That's ok as long as everyday you are trying to better yourself. Even if it's a smidge each day.
I think sometimes we make a list of all things we need to be doing to be perfect and it's so overwhelming. It's like when I walk into my kitchen and I'm thinking, "This place is going to be spotless when I walk out." But then I get overwhelmed by the dishes and the mess my son has made with all the recycling stuff and his toys and etc and etc. So I just grab Oreos and milk instead.
So we make this huge grand plan of everything we should be doing but it's overwhelming and we don't know where to start.
But we have to just do what we can at first until that becomes part of who we are.
Then we can start on the next thing.
Anyways, this post got way off track because I was actually going to make a list of the cute things my son does but now it doesn't seem like it fits in this post so maybe I'll just make a separate post about that.
I had this thought today while I was sitting with Little Buns and feeding him some yogurt while watching my guilty pleasure show "Dance Moms" (new season on Hulu y'all). I don't want my kids to be exactly like me. I want them to be better than me. I want them to take the good parts of my personality and improve on the bad parts of my personality. And that's what I'm trying to do with Little Buns.
I know he's only 18 months but I'm constantly worried about what he'll be like as a 12 year old boy, or a teenager. I'm worried about how he'll treat his siblings (this is not an announcement except to announce that in the future sometime we will, hopefully, have more children).
I guess what I'm trying to say is, motherhood is a journey and not like a
Candyland kind of journey where you get stuck in some delicious candy. It's more like a combination of Chutes and Ladders and War; where you have really big highs and lows and the game only ends never. And you never know what's going to happen next.
My advice is to rely on the Savior and our Heavenly Father's plan and always have Oreos in the pantry.
****So I know this post is kind of hard to follow. But hopefully you get it. Like I said it wasn't planned to be this way at all so meh.